Surrogacy is a sensitive topic. If you know a couple who is expecting a baby via surrogacy, please use caution when you talk about the surrogacy journey. This is an emotionally charged topic and time for the couple. Though it is exciting and fun on the outside, there is a lot of anxiety and fear happening underneath the surface. Intended parents are hopeful parents. They have experienced loss repeatedly and this is a fragile time for them.
How you speak to hopeful parents in this situation can build or break a bond. You can be the safe person in their lives that they can count on to not upset or offend by avoiding these types of phrases. Here are 5 examples of things not to say to intended parents and examples of what you should say.
5 Things Not To Say To Intended Parents & What You Can Say Instead
"How much are you paying for your surrogate?
Ok. This might seem like a valid question to ask, but it's far from it. Don't assume that paying for a surrogate means that the intended parents are wealthy. Many intended parents use all of their savings and some go into debt to become parents. Money is often less-than-classy to ask about and during surrogacy, avoid the conversation unless you are offering to contribute financially.
"Why don't you just adopt?"
Let's start this with - every person has their own reasons for making the choices that they do in life and those should be respected. It is no one's place to question their choices. Adoption is not an easy journey and also comes with a lot of worries and fears that surrogacy does not. It's normal to be curious but your curiousity can easily come across as judgemental. Now is not the time for that.
"Who are the baby's real parents?" Interestingly, the surrogate is typically carrying an embryo provided by the intended parents. Most surrogates are actually not genetically related to the child she carries.
Asking who the "real" parents are can make the intended parents feel like they can't be acknowledged as real parents because they did not carry the baby themselves. The truth is, there are many ways for parents to become parents, pregnancy is just one of them.
"Why can't you have your own baby?"
If a couple wants to share their reasoning for choosing surrogacy, they will. By no means is it ever ok to ask. The reasons are very personal and often very sensitive. The best thing that you could do is to simply acknowledge that this can be a stressful time and ask what you can do to be supportive. "You're so lucky you don't have to go through the pains of pregnancy and morning sickness!” Your intentions might be the kindest, but this is a very insensitive thing to say to someone who, for whatever reason, is not carrying a pregnancy. There are so many reasons women cannot or choose not to get pregnant and they are generally difficult situations. Intended parents often have tried so hard to have a baby on their own or cannot try due to medical issues. Stay sensitive and loving and just express your joy and support for them.
Examples Of What To Say Instead!
“You’re going to be wonderful parents.”
It takes incredible strength, resilience, dedication, and patience to go through everything intended parents do to build a family. These qualities are inspiring and show the qualities that the IP’s will bring to parenthood. Let them know you see this and how lucky their baby is to have parents like this waiting for them.
"I admire the thought and care you’ve put into this process”
Surrogacy does take a lot of thought, care, and time. Let the IP’s in your life know that you see that. Every decision is made with such incredible thought and truly is a reflection of the commitment and dedication IP’s put into building a family. It’s not an easy path, but their child will grow up knowing how deeply wanted and loved they were before they arrived.
“What part of the journey are you most excited about?”
Give your IP’s a chance to explore the excitement and the joy. There is a lot of fear, worry, unknown’s and tears along the way. You can help them channel the fun parts by nurturing the conversation and giving them a safe place to explore everything that they are looking forward to.